Friday, September 10, 2010

Fighting is so exhausting

I am sitting here in my bed with the lap top in my lap or course and i am thinking. I am wondering if what I am fighting to keep is even worth it. I mean Love is a strong emotion that keeps couples together but I am starting to think that it is just not enough. I mean How is it a good thing when I am the only one going to war to fight to win this battle of a ruined relationship. so it seems ruined. He claims to love me and I love him but we are not together.

He claims that he has not given himself to someone else but I don't seem to have him either. Why is that? Why is that we fight and argue with each other but yet he wont fight for me. This is getting old and tired and my heart is exhausted. I have been through so much and not once has he been there like he used to be.

I was attacked at a party, damn near raped, no comfort. I went through something all alone that I am not ready to mention here, but without him!

HOW I FEEL, I am feeling like what the fuck am i doing trying to hold on to something that clearly has no handles. I am a good women, This i know but my heart is finding it hard to let go of the ties that bind him and I. Yes they seem to be double knotted! Damn it where are my scissors!? I am done, cut the ties, release me from the bondage that he has over me! wash me clean, repair my heart and let me live in the happiness that i deserve! Ugghhh why am i going through this with him over and over. Do you have the answer cause I don't!

and i know this seems that i am going on and on but that is the beauty of my BLOG, i can do that!hahah, i just needed to release and let loose the WAY I FEEL!

Friday, August 27, 2010

10 years is a long time...

I know that I have been missing. Havent really been posting but this is new to me so I am trying hard to make this apart of my daily schedule.

But anyway the title of this blog is 10 years is a long time... I know you are probably wondering or maybe you have figured it out because it aint rocket science.

So the ex before my last and I have known eachother for 10 years. we were together for 8. we had a happy relationship. Never argued. He spoiled the hell out of me and I am not just talking bout spending money. He put my feelings and my cares before his. but we just fell off. Things just stopped! How does that happen you ask? well it happens. So the last two years we were with other people. We thought we were in love with our currents but he realized that the only women for him is me!

Now i would be lying if i said that I no longer had feelings for this man. He is my best friend. He makes me smile and laugh. Never called me out of my name or made me feel bad or made me cry, while we were together. I took very good care of me and loved me unconditionally. so whats the problem you ask...

Well the one i had been with for two years, i still have feelings for. What do i do about that? I love him, but he doesnt treat me as good as tghe first. Easy equation you say? then why is it so hard for me to make a decision.

See this is the equation right now... Guy 1-Guy 2= single and i am enjoying this equation.
but i am still in love with the one i was with for 8 years. and get this.. he wants to Marry me and have a family!

it is alot to take in right now and I am afraid of getting hurt again, but to be real, the feelings are there and no other man right now is even coming close. No one has stepped their game up!

So this weekend I will be seriously thinking about what it is I want to do.

cause right now the way I feel,80 percent of me says to Marry him, The other 20 percent is questioning if he is the one!

Stay tuned for my decision!

Monday, August 16, 2010

The ex boyfriend...

I have been single now for about 4 months. I was with this Man turned lil boy for a lil over two years. Anyway He calls me last night when I am not even at home. I am out and about doing my own thing and having funb,m apparently with the friends that he feels I do not have. Anyway, He calls me asking me to bring him some McDonalds. lol... yea i am serious.. Now let me go back in history just a bit, he has been asking me to do this since friday, oh and Friday was his pay day. Now normally I would jump and run to his rescue and help him out anyway I can but I have not been getting the respect or emotional support that I had been getting from him early in the relationship. So a girl wised up.

Anyway I was not at home and told him that but he still expected me to conme running to him like a knight on a horse with a bag filled with the number 4 on the menu. (double quarter pounder with cheese, large fries and a large sprite) I told you i would normally do this.

So when I didnt, man I get harrassed all morning.Callin me broke and all kinds of stuff. but really I am broke but u buggin me at 4am to bring you MJcDonalds.. and hell what he wanted me to bring you cant get at 4am anyway. and he wanted me to drive from west covina all the way to LA to deliver McDonalds because he was hungry?  I didnt know that a craving for Mcdonalds would do this to a person, make them just act out like a rabid dog. ( i hope i spelled that right) Long story short, i learned the real way he has been feeling about me, even though he had been telling me that he still loves me, but a user will lie and say anything to keep getting what he wants, Mcdonalds...

How i feel about the situation...
The energy he took to call me all the names ahe did he could have walked his broke butt down to Mcdonalds himnself and bought that number 4 combo he needed. All the names he called me, I dont care anymore and it doesnt affect me because as you will read as time goes on, I have been through so much that my heart is pretty numb. May be sad but hey thats just how i feel! I cant allow myself to keep dealing with looser men who cant take care of themselves and only care about themselves...
Moral of my story...
Mcdonalds must have crack or something in it cause it makes people say and do anything to get it! LOL... naw really, not going to be so supportive or sacrifice anything for any one any more, or atleast keep my guard up for a while, cause the past two ex's have been a lil off... I will tell you about the 8 year relationship another time....

Thursday, August 12, 2010

New to this...

So today i decided to document everything that i am feeling, or going through, or have seen today. This blog is going to be anything from my poetry to what i am going through or feeling during the day. There may be advice, there may be funny situations or maybe something imspirational... Again I am new to this so i am just trying to find my voice again!

With that said, welcome to my blog and keep coming back and viewing my opinions because i am gonna share anything and everything because "That's Just the way i Feel!"